Marketing Metaphors

A pop-up ad on a website is like…

… someone bumping into you as you browse a magazine stand, saying “hey buddy, want to buy a watch?” (Ignored.)

An active text marker that flashes a product at you as you mouse over it on your way to something else is like…

… a guy in a tweed jacket who grabs your arm and says, “hey buddy, you’re walking past this movie poster, can I interest you in a year’s subscription to this DVD shop?” (Shoved away, annoyed.)

A flash-animation pop-over box that obscures 80% of the page as soon as you drag the mouse past an irrelevant banner ad while reading an article is like…

… a deranged person jumping onto your back and grabbing at your face while flailing and screaming about medications. (Avoided at all costs, talked about to all of your friends, and possibly blogged about.)

Why would you let your company’s Web advertising, or your site’s Web advertisers, be like that?

Google's Homepage Speed Bump Trips Me Up Once Again

Google is the biggest website in the world, and also happens to have the most basic, spartan layout of any web page (with the sole exception of ZomboCom, which is even more genius). But despite this, it also has a royally aggravating design flaw, which manages to trip me up at frequent intervals. It happens maybe 30% of the time I’m on the site (which feels like 150%). I’d like to take 5 minutes to point this out — maybe someone else has experienced the same thing.
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On Web Video

Every Internet marketing fanatic loves videos. Video ads, video tutorials, video blog posts — hey, let’s put videos all over our Web site. Why would people want to waste their time with written stuff when they could sit down, get comfortable and watch us explain the process to them, or demonstrate our product over a four-minute and thirty-six second infomercial. It’s the “wave of the future.”

That’s fine in theory — but there’s a point when a trend is a little too overdone. For example, go to YouTube. If you’re one of the chosen viewers, you will be welcomed by a large, gleaming video ad panel almost the width of the page’s content area. It wows you with an action-packed trailer for a movie, a soda, or some other interesting product, taking you by the seat of your pants as soon as you enter the site. You’re there because you crave videos, right? At least that’s the theory. My qualm with this trend is the intermittent ceasing up of my Internet juices every time one of these gargantuan ads tries to load — especially when the four banner ads next to it are trying to load their own action-packed animations, the giant header image is trying to load a monster gif, and the actual content is attempting to squeeze its way in around everything.

Remember how Yahoo’s front page used to erupt daily with some giant, page-crossing adventure ad? Usually by the time it finished loading, it was already halfway through its cycle … and that was on a top-grade machine with corporate bandwidth.

Plus, the thing about videos is … you can’t skim through them. It’s either wait patiently through the cute introductory jokes, clever transition effects and extraneous information, or skip the whole thing entirely. You gotta remember — I’m at work, not on vacation. (I’m also part of a generation of spoiled internet brats. Sorry.) I want what I’m looking for, whether it’s a microscopic piece of marketing intel, a quick copywriting technique, or a good song to play in the background, and that’s the only thing I want, about eight seconds from now. Wolverine, Bruno, wonderfully produced slideshow, you can all shove it. Text. It’s what’s for dinner.

On Interviewing Police Officers

It seems like cops hate to be interviewed. I’ve been in the position a few times in my journalistic career to interview police officers, both over the phone and in person, and their responses to requests for an interview always fall under one of three categories:

1) “Sure, I’ll answer your questions. Just call back in 30 minutes and ask to speak to me then.”

2) “I’m booked solid today. Try coming back tomorrow.”

3) (No answer, no call back, not in office, seemingly not even employed there.)

I’m scheduled to interview a cop sometime this week, or this month, hopefully.

Should we call them Yippies?

Observed this morning: A guy and a girl decked out in hippie garb, including baggy hemp pants, decorative, renaissance-style vests, dreadlocks, unkempt beard, organic jewelry, basically everything a hippie can do. Except they were in a Coffee Bean, she was on a laptop, and he was playing with a blackberry. Him: Hey, my brother just bought a franchise. I feel like it was an installation of some kind.