It may not be obvious, but when you walk into an office work environment, you’re walking into an alternate dimension where heady, lofty words replace ordinary English. Things that have no meaning on the street suddenly signify extreme importance and urgency in an office. People who otherwise speak normally become fluent in the language of the meticulously informed, as if they were reading directly from the pages of technical manuals. This creates the natural implication that you always know exactly what you are doing. Here are a few examples of officisms, and how someone on the street might be able to interpret them.
Top-of-mind – This is probably the most important officism. Something that is “top-of-mind” for you is more urgent than everything else you have on your plate at that moment, and something that is “top-of-mind” for someone else is more urgent than everything you have ever thought about. It signifies all-eclipsing importance, while simultaneously demoting all incoming requests. “Top-of-mind” is a virtual office A-bomb.
Going forward – On the street, this just means physically moving in a forward direction. In an office, it means “from now on.” Things that will happen “from now on” are not nearly as important as things that will happen “going forward.” As an extension of this importance, “going forward” can also mean “because I say so.”
Implement – This is an especially important officism, because “implementing” something is not quite the same thing as just “doing” something. However, “implementing” is dangerously close to being overused, due to its almost overwhelming importance. Please remember to use it only when necessary. (Note: “implement” is sometimes confused with “integrate,” another important officism. If you are forced to use an unnecessary “implement,” slipping in a quick “integrate” instead will usually go unnoticed.
Solution – Marketers sometimes complain about companies using “solution” in place of “product.” However, legal teams will inform them that “products” can result in lawsuits, whereas “solutions” are less liable. Therefore, “going forward,” a paperclip is not a “product,” it is a “solution” to the problem of papers not being clipped together. Got it?
Action items – Weekend warriors and soccer moms call them “to-do’s,” but no one does anything in an office unless it’s an official “action item.” Need to change the cartridge in the copier? Hold on there. First, someone needs to make it an “action item.” Obviously, “action items” are always more important than other items.
Thought leader / thought leadership – This is less common, since most offices only contain “position leadership.” But if you work in an office where someone is a “thought leader,” you will definitely hear about it. The rest of the world might call this person a “visionary” or a “creative person,” but those words don’t adequately convey the sheer importance “thought leader” does. Just say it: “thought leader.” See?
Today [such-and-such is true] – Here’s a little trick to know if you’re a salesperson: When someone asks if you offer something that you don’t offer, the correct answer is never “no, we don’t offer that.” It is “today, we don’t offer that.” Thus, “today” is the real-world equivalent of “no.” As in, “Want to grab lunch?” “Today.” “OK, another time then.”
Please advise – Another line seemingly taken from a technical manual. “Please advise” is the officism for “what should I do?” Because just saying “what should I do” may make you sound like you don’t know what to do. Instead, saying “please advise” preserves your air of always knowing what to do. It’s really very simple.
Reach out – This officism is used by important people every day to indicate “calling” or “emailing” someone. Except that you are being much more proactive by “reaching out” instead.
ASAP – This is everyone’s favorite officism. It is as popular in an office as “LOL” is in the outside world. Except where “LOL” means “that’s funny,” “ASAP” most accurately means “asshole.” As in, “Please review this document and return it to me, asshole.” This officism once meant “now,” but that meaning is now communicated more effectively by the word “yesterday,” or “last week.” So “ASAP” has moved on to higher, more informed ground.
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